Trauma Begets Trauma

It hit me the other day. The act of using your trauma against you creates more trauma. I don't mean further physical or psychological ailments in the future (but whats your ACE score?) What I mean is that people who use your trauma against you will create more trauma for you.

Lemme paint a picture..

Case in point:

You: You've dealt with physical, emotional, verbal abuse from a parent. Because of this, you have anxiety and depression, among other things . You worry about how this might play out with your own (to be) kiddos. Knowing your concerns and fears, you seek out a therapist who can specifically help you navigate these waters. You know what not to do as a parent, but you also know that you are beyond capable of loving, and caring for your child. You are open with your past, your trauma, and you are very forthright with your fears. You trust those around you to listen, and love.

Others: They don't think you, as a parent, will be able to handle it. They (spouse, parents, and spouses parents) make a contingency plan in case this doesn't "work out well". You are not included in such planning, and find out months after the fact.

Does this look like support to you? It might at face value. Cool, they are making sure that everything is covered, but for the child, and a plan for themselves. You are not included in the planning.

What should have happened was an honest conversation that included support for the to-be-parent. Full transparency should have been granted. Period.

What happens when your trauma is used against you as an explanation of possible actions you might take? You find yourself incredibly hurt, and alone. You mourn the love you thought you had. You stop telling people your fears, or answering "what's wrong?" when they ask. You retreat to within and realize those who you thought were there for you, really are not there to support you. How can someone who says they love you isolate you like that? I'll be honest and tell you that I don't know. They may justify it as "coming from a place of love and concern", but this isn't an intervention. No one gets to have others make a plan of care without their buy in and participation.

If you want to isolate your loved one, please, use their trauma against them.

Do you legitimately want to love and honor your loved one? Be open with them. Include them in your thoughts and fears. Talk with them. CARE FOR THEM.

Are you your abuse? Nope. You sure are not.