Learning To Say No... To Myself
2023 has rumbled into existence. Slow churning ripples, yet poignant and intentional. I've been looking forward to this year since 2019 simply because this is the year I graduate college for the 3rd and final* time. The first full week of the year and already have had some lessons dropped in my lap that have completely changed my viewpoint. I do enjoy these moments. The abrasion and awkwardness of it all. The temporary dizziness of feeling a new reality set in is nauseating and beautiful at the same time.
My new dizzying realities include:
I need to see things through: with my neuro spicy brain, I want to do ALL THE THINGS. This isn't realistic, but I have found my hoarding of projects to be legit. From volunteering for groups through school, and research/surveys, to special interest groups that pertain to both school and work, I feel the gluttony of projects. So naturally what happens is that there comes a point that I am bored with said project, or I find that I don't have time to do it. So it goes by the wayside. Looking back on my life, this isn't new. Not in the least. I see countless examples of this in my life; mostly when I have too many irons in the fire. I over commit myself to projects for various reasons. One, I get excited by a new idea, so I jump on board. Two, I'm a forever people pleaser. Both aren't great if they aren't molded with self sustaining boundaries.
This... this is new to me. I need to learn when to tell myself no. Being able to know and to be brutally honest with myself and my commitments is going to be the true test. It probably wouldn't be such an issue if I could handle it all, and see such things come to fruition, but I muddy up those waters, and overcommit beyond what I have time and energy for.
ADHD does play a bigger role with how I function: This may sound supremely dumb, but I continue to minimize the impact this has on my life. Yes, I continue on unmedicated for it (I will cry my love for Effexor though, holy shit my anxiety is like... so damn close to nonexistent. It's great.. I should have done this sooner, but whatever..). Here's the kicker.... I've realized that because I never had anyone identify what this was growing up, and the fact I identified that I was different from others, I thought the way my brain worked was wrong. I let others lead me for so long. So long... too long. And I'm sure there are so many other factors in this including the trauma of my childhood, but for me it was easier to follow. My brain was 'wrong'...everyone else was right. I should fall in line with that, right? The things I wish I could say to my child self.....
So I let people lead me. I did this with so many people even in my adult life. I have said this so many times before but I always assumed others who were guiding me had the best intentions. Let's be honest, everyone's intentions are theirs, and even when their perception of what is best for you, it's still just that; their perspective. This dance of following others and their guidance while denying myself and the true nature of me, of who I am left be exhausted. I don't want to be exhausted anymore, or ever again. Not for that reason anyways.
So what does this mean? This means I need to prioritize. I need to make those personal concessions of what I truly have time for and what needs/requires my time. I can support others without getting involved. I can like an idea without rabbit holing it. I can get excited for the commitments I already have by using creativity and making it exciting again.
This means I need to be 100% honest with myself and be realistic with the time that I have. I need to tell myself 'no'... No you won't jump on that committee, or no you don't need to research some random idea right then and there. I'm getting good with telling others no. I just need to say it to myself now.
There's so much more that I wanted to say. I think I need sleep. I'm tired.
Epiphany away, 2023
(* only because my friend Jeff is determined that I will never stop going to school. Something inside me tells me he might be right. Will I tell him that? No. Not unless he reads this then... Hi Jeff. Like so many other times in my life... you are probably right. We shall see.....)
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