Into the void (Mystic)

"Hark, now hear the sailors cry. Smell the sea and feel the sky. Let your soul and spirit fly...Into the mystic" VM.

 l’appel du vide and suicidal ideation: It's real. Since this is just a random fleeting thought, I haven't researched the data connecting the two, but I have a feeling there's some interconnectedness there. Have you ever had that feeling that you could just let your life....slip.... out of your hands? Perhaps fail to navigate that turn around the sharp corner, or just drive into the ocean?

I have, and its scary.

I love life. I cherish it. I do. I am scared of death, but sometimes the call of the void is so real to me. I thought about this today, especially after my last semi-disjointed entry. There was a time not that long ago (a little less than 2 years ago at this point) that I wanted that void. I wanted it hard, but I loved life. I wanted to drive my car into the ocean. Keep in mind that I'm terrified of drowning. But I still wanted it. 

But why?

The void... not death... is comforting. For me at that time, I didn't know how to handle everyone around me, everyone that I cared for stopped listening to me. I heard "get your shit together," and "what the hell are you doing?" like I was doing something BAD.

I asked for a divorce.  

I also signed up to go back to school

I also signed up to be a recovery coach

I was home because I wanted to be closer to friends and family

I asked my then husband to please... PLEASE.. take the financial lead because I was burnt (the fuck) out and I was exhausted in so many ways. That didn't happen. My ONE stipulation wasn't met. That was the straw that broke the camel. I knew that this was the end. This was my final plea. So with my family and close friends in the know, they all seemingly deemed me as "wrong" or "mental" (which I'm sure at least a few would blame it on my anxiety and depression, oh.. and even juicier.. MY TRAUMA!). Yes, there were things I could have asked for (more help) or done differently, but the resistance that I met was completely overwhelming and unexpected.

I didn't want to carry this anymore.

I wanted to see life as if I was floating above it, but I didn't want death. I wanted to live. I wanted the void. Unsure of whether or not this was a "thing" due to anxiety and depression, I was scared. I came home, crying my eyes out. What I was met with was less than compassion. Far from it. The void called even harder.

First, If you feel like you might take an action to take your life, let someone know. I know its not that simple, I get it. I pray that if you can't, that those around you can stop you. 

Life is wonderful; hard, yet so damn beautiful. People will always try to make you feel bad about yourself, your actions or emotions. While I can't say "just don't let it bug you" because that's not reasonable (plus its really fucking hard), just know that the call of the void is just that.. its a call. Its not a demand. Its not forced. Its not even a suggestion. Its just there. Its something you can think about, and envision yourself from above (as one of my dear friends said a long time ago). You don't want to be gone, you just want to be. 

<she just wants to be> M.Stipe

This may have been a bit of a ramble, so thank you for hanging with me, friend.