It's Not The Passing Of Time, It's The Process Of Processing
The swing of the best time of the year to the memory of one of the worst points in your life is a broad stroke. One so broad that a big glob of paint runs dry by the time the pendulum brush swings to the other side. Its that sort of emotional head trip rollercoaster bullshit that leaves you exhausted, and then the negative far outweighs the positive for years to come. This is where I've been. The anxiety of the anniversary... December 26th always overshadowed the good of the holidays.
Living in the anxiety of a memory is pure fucking hell. Coupled with the fact that I'm a sentimental prat, the exponential growth of heartstring pain is real. 18 years of this... well, 17 because this year is different. Between being properly medicated for my generalized anxiety, therapy, and overall growth... this day, 18 years ago now.. this one is different. I thought I'd feel some sort of sadness, anxiety, anger, fear... but I didn't. This wasn't some sort of "I'm so medicated I feel numb" thing. It wasn't some "cram it down and try to forget it" either. It feels like... the end of processing. It feels like some peace that I've been looking for for an incredibly long time; like I've come to a place where I'm out of the thick weeds.
While there's no way to mow them over, or deny their existence, I've come to a place where I know what my responsibility to them ends, and where their nature begins. I can't change the past (and yes, I know this is cliche as fuck, but it's true), and I don't have to accept it (accept this and roll over if you will), but I know that this action was not MY FAULT. This wasn't something I deserved, provoked.. this was entirely a 'someone else' problem. This was a problem that someone else put on me, to make me the bearer of the ill laid responsibility. Understanding this is the vital piece I've been missing for so long.
I can't run from what I've been through, in all aspects of my life. What I can do is to do better. I maintain that I don't want to ever have others feel the way I've been made to feel. There's a point where the mantra becomes action that gives way to practice. I will never be done with this process, but for now, I will rest a wee bit. I will rest knowing that the fear of a memory is no longer impacting my daily life. As Christmas Carol-like as this sounds, the holiday spirit feel no longer feels forced or contrived as it has been for so many years. It's a nice place to rest my head for a moment.
So I shall. XOXO
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