Ravens and Writing Desks

“‎You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.”

Last night I had a moment, or several. My world had been turned upside down in such a short time frame, that I wondered just how well am I really handling everything. Yes, I write, yes, I talk to people, and probably overshare (thank you to anyone who's listened, and I'm sorry for spewing my guts to those who lent me an ear), but just how okay am I?

The clarity I have right now is scary. I feel like I understand the world better now. I feel like I see things more acutely, and crisp. I see this situation for what it is.

But just because my mind sees the clarity, doesn't mean my heart does. My heart is still reeling with pain and loss. It doesn't understand the abrupt ending of this relationship. Sometimes it looks for signs of him again. Last night, as I walked by my front door, the haphazard thought of having to shovel the walkway for when he gets home from work crossed my mind. For that brief moment, I had forgotten what has happened. I immediately felt sadness and emptiness as I realized he wasn't coming home. Thoughts of the good times flooded my memories. I tried to put them out of my mind, knowing that while the good times were good, the bad times were bad. Very bad. I tried to leverage that and the recent events. I helped, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing.

For that moment, I had lost my muchness. I had forgotten why I'm in the situation that I'm in. My mind has been filled to the brim with information from multiple channels; all people that have dealt with him directly. Mostly new information, some confirming my fears I once held, turned to confirmations of truth. My fears of what was going on in his head were also confirmed. Diagnosed long ago, he has failed to maintain mediation and treatment. I was gutted. I knew that this situation could have been avoided, as could so so so many before me. Long before me. If he had faced his inner turmoil, his life could have been so different. But this isn't about his muchness.

It's about mine.

I let myself shrink for a brief moment. I once again put him ahead of myself, albeit only in thought. I lost myself in my heart of hearts, aching for love. The balance between mind and heart tipped in favor of blood.

I forgot how many times I let my muchness fall to him. I shrunk myself into places where the light failed to shine. I walked behind him, not beside him. My steps cautious to his. My being ebbed to his riverbed.

Never again.

With the next steps I take, I must make sure I never shrink. I never turn away from the light, or fall to someone else's shadow. I may be small in stature, but large in spirit. That is my muchness. I will never fail to nurture it again, for that is the best of me. Whoever has the pleasure to have my heart, must also nurture my mind, soul, and spirit. Never again will I lose my muchness.

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

It's ouroboros

This is Dax Riggs. He's my musical boyfriend. He just doesn't know it. He can sing to me all day long, and he's the only one that will ever be allowed to make me promises that he cannot keep. Please remind me of this for the future.

k.thnx.