Thank You For Leaving (trigger warning)

Tonight, twenty-two days after leaving without a reason why, he returned the house key. Twenty-two days of uncertainty. I cried, pleaded for his return, I cursed his name, and told him I never wanted to see him again. He continued to hold the key. He continued to play the game. Tonight, with key in hand, the game stopped.

Tonight, I thanked him for leaving.

He would tell me, often, that I deserved better, and that he didn't deserve me. I guess after hearing it time and time again, it starts to sink in. With his absence, the fog lifted, and I could see clearly. I know what I deserve, and I know how I should be treated. I know those were two things he didn't and couldn't provide.

So I thanked him for leaving.

I'll be the first to admit, I'm a hyper trusting person. I'll pluck my heart from my chest, and put it in your seemingly trusting hands, hoping you'll handle it as it should be handled. This is neither fair to you, or to myself. That's a lot of blind faith to put in someone. The responsibility is not what I should put into someone's hands who didn't ask for it. I honestly don't know if that's the case here, but the one thing I do know, is that my heart was not treated as it should have been.

So I thanked him for leaving.

There was jealousy. So much jealousy. He didn't like it if other guys commented on my Facebook posts, or if they messaged me. The high majority of the time, it was friendly banter, mostly catching up with old coworkers or friends. He thought everyone had an ulterior motive. He was jealous over my past relationship with my ex husband. He was beyond jealous. 

So I thanked him for leaving.

There was the drinking. The admission of being an alcoholic came months down the road. I didn't know what his 'thing' was. For some alcoholics, it's lying. For some, it's aggression and abuse. With him, it was all. The first time shit really went down, I ended up with a beer can in my windshield. There were no apologies. There was no attempt to pay to replace my smashed windshield. Then came my car door. The same aggression, the same anger, the same outcome.

So I thanked him for leaving.

The aggression turned physical. I remembered I tried walking away late at night when I stayed with him on the weekends. He pushed me back, and held me telling me that I can't leave. I remember crawling into bed curled up facing the wall and sobbed myself to sleep. Sober or not, I'll never know. I assumed he wasn't. One night after a particularly stressful day for him, I was on the receiving end of the let down of aggression. I again tried to leave, and was pushed back. The same "crawl into bed, curl up, face the wall and cry" position was assumed. He denies this still, but I know I was hit. My heart broke that night. My spirit broke. I didn't know how to mend it.

So I thanked him for leaving.

After that, he decided to quit drinking. Things were good again. There was still the jealousy, but he seemed to pull it back a little bit. We had been living together, and things felt... right. But at the beginning of the year, the aggression came back. I asked him one night, with all honesty, if he had been drinking. His then fit of rage turned into a fury. My laptop bore the brunt of that aggression that night. All I had asked was that he help me out more, both financially and around the house.

So I thanked him for leaving.

He left without an explanation. He left without a care. He left me here alone to deal with my fears, and pandemic without even a forethought. This was the true testament of his being. He didn't care that he hurt me, he didn't care how I was doing. I questioned every kind sentiment he ever gave me. I questioned whether or not he legitimately loved me. Right now, I can't say that it was the truth.

So I thanked him for leaving.

He's been gone for twenty-two days. I have learned that absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it stronger. I realized that I am strong enough to move on. I am strong enough to recognize his shortcomings are none of my own, and his responsibilities are his to handle. Tonight, I got back my key.

So I thanked him for leaving.

Tonight will be the first night in twenty-two nights that I will be able to fall asleep knowing that there is no possibility that someone will be unlocking my door.

So tonight I thanked myself for letting him leave.

"Heart and Soul" T'Pau. Only of THE BEST songs to come out of the 80's.