Jealousy Of The Peace (possible trigger)

The first draft of the cover of my book. It's lame, but here it is.

** Disclaimer: It was brought to my attention I might want to put up trigger warnings. I'll do the best I can, but it might be wise to read the labels first. I'm sure most of what I write about can be a trigger for someone.**


There are so many things that I want to write about right now, and it's just pouring out of me. I do apologize if this seems like a ramble, because I'm sure it will be.

The ex is jealous of a fictional character that I've written about. When we first met, I told him that I enjoyed writing. I didn't spill the true nature of my writing, until several weeks down the road. I told him about my story, and its origins. It's based on my dreams, and experiences; but aren't they all? As I started to trust him, I started opening up about who each character means to me. Most characters have a basis in real life. Wren, the main character, is very much me, but way cooler. The character Pax, is very much based off of a real person as well. He is rooted in my past, in high school as the first boy I loved. There's part of me that loves him to this day, but I'm sure it's just more of the memory of him. It was his love for white t-shirts and his quirky attitude that I remember the most. Pax too has the same characteristics. The same chiseled jaw, the same thick hair and same cautious attitude towards Wren, as he had towards me. Cautious in the sense that he cared, but let me check my own boundaries. We shared childhood trauma stories on the phone almost nightly. He'd tell me I didn't deserve the things that happened to me, and I'd tell him the same.

There was a day that I realized that he was more than just the boy I talked to at night. He was the first person I trusted completely. I knew he would shield me, and protect me. Although we were only 15, he did the best he could, though he didn't need to.

There was a point where he had to do for him, and he left school. Shortly after, he broke my heart. I never wanted to hear from him again. But fate knew better and I did.

From this point out, he would pop into my life, and pop back out. He'd always pop in at the right time, which was when my heart was being broken by others. He popped in once as I found out my then boyfriend had cheated on me when I went away to college. He made sure I was okay, we caught up, and it felt like old times. But as soon as he'd come back, he'd leave.

A few years later, the same thing happened. He popped in when I found out my then boyfriend (now ex husband) had cheated on me with a sorority sister as he was pledging his fraternity. He told me I was too good for him, and he didn't deserve me, and that he wished he hadn't of done the same thing to me so many years previous. Then, he left.

It was many more years down the road when I heard from him next. This time, things weren't good, and we caught up. This time, he stayed around. We'd text, and talk about our families since we were both married with kids. It was good to talk to him again, and then I admitted that I was writing a character in my story that was based on him. He took it well, considering I had to be honest and tell him how much he had impacted my life, not just then, but with my writing as well. He encouraged me to keep writing.

 I soon realized that there were so many problems that he needed to address, and to be honest, his wife didn't like the fact that him and I were talking. Apparently she knew about me, and how close we were 16 or so years previously. There were many other issues, but those were theirs, not mine. I never anticipated hearing from him again.

Then I did. last summer. Not one to be on FB or social media in general, he popped up as a friend request. I knew my now ex boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it. He was jealous of the character that I had written about. He was jealous of what we had together. He wanted me to write about him. I didn't know how to approach this. I didn't tell him for a few days strictly out of fear. I ended up telling him, and he was upset, but it didn't seem to be directed towards me. I felt relief, but sadness at the same time. See, he again asked me why I wasn't writing about him. I tried to explain that I write from the heart and from my experiences. I write my story based on how I feel, and what I've dream of. I did tell him that if he wants me to write about him, I needed memorable experiences from him. My characters were already laid out, but personalities were not complete. I had an idea where to fit him in, but then I stopped. I realized I was forcing something that just didn't feel right. I never told him this, because I didn't want the backlash. I couldn't write about him positively because he hadn't given me an overall positive feeling, emotion, or outlook. Our relationship was rocky at best. I needed memorable experiences to write about.

I have them now.

His wishes have come true. He has given me all the material I need to write again. I have the experiences filled with love and support that I had already. I just needed to find the anger. This is his inadvertent present to me. He gave me the anger I needed to write book #2. He's given me all the material I need to channel the frustrations and turmoil that my characters will face as their own stories unfold. This may not be anything close to what he wanted, but this is how it's going to shake out.

He gets his own part in the story now.