Hypocrisy While Facing A Trigger

boo.

Guess what? Another rambling PTSD post.

Yes, I admit that I am a hypocrite when faced with a trigger. Living in small town USA, you're bound to run into someone you'd rather never ever see again. For me, if you've been reading up to this point, you'd assume that my Egg Donor (let's call her ED from now on.. aka.. 'mother') is a trigger. If she wasn't, I'd probably have to qualify myself as a psychopath, or at least with depersonalization (DDD).

All jokes aside, Walmart sends my PTSD into high alert. It's a real issue for me. ED happens to work at the only Walmart in my rural Maine town. If Walmart shopping wasn't bad enough, I get to deal with super sonic hypervigilance. If you have the unfortunate opportunity of running into me while shopping, please, allow me to apologize in advance. When I have to go, I check to see if her car is there. If it is, I know what sections to avoid. It's even worse when I have to bring my son with me. Left shoulder, right shoulder, back again... Am I holding his hand? YES. She's no where in sight. Let's get in, get out, and get the hell to the car. If you have anxiety, you understand. If you don't, pretend your a squirrel in a sea full of nuts and you've got 30 seconds to collect all your nuts for the winter.

Anyways......

Tonight. I thought I was in the clear. We got in, no ED in sight. We grabbed what we needed to grab, and headed out the door. It seemed relatively stress free. The doors were welcoming us outside. I did one last look around. I should have kept my head down, with my son's hand held tight, but then my boyfriend and I spotted her at the same time. I moved my son from my left side to my right side (he doesn't know her, or what she did to me. He's only 7 and he's far too young to bear the responsibility of knowledge, and that level of evil). My boyfriend was in front of me, to my left. She saw me, I saw her. I knew she was looking to make contact. I wanted to shield my son from her black hole of mental illness and hatred. I looked back one last time, against my better judgement as we reached the other side of the parking lot. She waived and said 'Hiiii!". The look of condescension was painted on her wrinkled face. I saw red. I bore hypocrisy at that very moment. Normally, the rational self would have said to be the bigger person, be the bigger person.

I raged. I won't church it up, but... up went the middle finger, and a big "FUCK YOU!" may have been hollered (there's a distinction between hollering and yelling. It's a fine line, but there is one). I didn't care who saw, or what others would say (other than my son, so I pulled back a bit).

I couldn't practice what I preach at that moment. You can act in theory, but practice is a completely different story. Triggers are those direct lines to seeds of anger, and activates the sympathetic system. I guess that mental bypass (activate T1 and T2!) doesn't quite allow the response and engagement of the brain. I just acted. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. Perhaps it's not hypocrisy. Perhaps it's a natural response. Is it a lesson in futility?

Honestly, I just don't know. I'm not really sure I care. I do know that anger is important, and that it helps me understand myself. I understand that I allow myself to feel this frustration and anger knowing that I will never have a relationship (positive, healthy relationship) with her. I'm sort of okay with it. I look at those with healthy mother daughter relationships, and I wonder "wtf happened? Why don't I get that?" That's when I have to tell myself that this isn't a fault of my own. I have done nothing to deserve this. This is not a "me" issue. It's entirely a "her" issue. This is her mental illness and void of anything good. That's not a reflection of me.