I Hurt And I Need To Purge (subtitle: I thank my friends)

Holy fucking shit, but.... fuck this noise.

Pandemics are legitimately one of my biggest fears. Before SARS or H1N1, I had been afraid of fast sweeping widespread disease. It's a reasonable fear. What's not reasonable? Having your boyfriend walk out on you with no explanation what so ever.

HE.WALKED.OUT.ON.ME.DURING.A.PANDEMIC.

Who knows what the excuse is, or where he is, and to be honest, it's not going to change the fact that this is what he did. Might it be a severe mental health crisis (highly likely)? Sure. Might he be cheating? Perhaps. Whatever the reason, it happened, and it's not excusable, or forgivable. This is definitely a 'no take backs' type of situation.

I've waffled on what to do. I've been patient, I've been kind, I've played hardball.... (according to most people I've talked to about this, apparently I'm not playing hard enough. The common suggestion has been to either chuck his stuff outside or burn it, I've chosen to do none of that... but... If you've done this, and have pics, please share with me). Still, he refuses to address the issue. It hurts, it's infuriating and disrespectful.

In the long run, if this is a mental health issue (I suspect it is, and I have my theories, but I am not a doctor so I can't diagnose, but... I'd put $$ down on my dx being 100% spot on), he needs to get it sorted out. However, I'm not the one who's responsible for it. I can't "fix him" nor should I even try. That's partially my fault since I try to fix people.

Ultimately, I know it's his loss. He would say frequently that I'm too good for him, and I would brush it off and say, "don't say such things." I knew, deep down, that it was true. I knew that there was a lot going on with him, and these things he refuses to address. There's going to be a day he wakes up and realizes just exactly what he's lost. He's going to realize he's lost patience, and love. He lost security, understanding, compassion, and drive. Not one to brag (I'm working on my humble brags because I am worthy), but I have a lot to offer. I see the good in people and I try to get them to see it, if and when they can't.

I had been through a lot with him. Two years ago in July, I watched him as he almost died. I prayed to whoever would listen to save him. I'm not a particularly religious person, so that took a lot for me, but I did it, knowing he is. I prayed for his life to be spared, and for him to realize how precious life can be. He lived, and I pledged at that time, I wouldn't allow him to take life for granted. Perhaps this is me failing him in some way. I don't know, but his current state of dissociation, and avoidance coping is challenging. I know I'm rambling at this point. (I'm working through my own mental health challenges right now and guys, I am struggling hard).

I know this isn't me. This isn't something I've done, but I don't have to be the one left holding the bag. He has a lot of work to do. I'm doing my work, and I can't do anyone else's for them. It just sucks that this is what has happened.