What Is Love Without Protection?

Illustration by Dawid Planeta

I've admittedly been struggling lately. Mercury is in retrograde, daylight savings is in effect, and it's not even Winter and it's already been cold as shit lately. I'm struggling beyond these things.  I've been thinking a lot of the protection that love brings, and what it should bring. I'll admit that I have not been protected by those around me who say they love me. That's hard for me to admit to you, to myself. I think of times where I should have been protected, but I wasn't and I struggle with knowing whether or not I was truly loved. Am I truly loved? and moreover, do I know what love is?

Sometimes I wonder if I see things too black or white, yes or no, too linear. Looking at my son, I would provide every single protection I could for him (side note: this includes divorce, but that's a past entry if you must dig). I ask myself, why wasn't I afforded the same?

There have been times in my life, that I should have been protected, if that's what love affords. These times my safety was placed on the back burner. There were times that my safety was put into jeopardy by the very ones I loved, cherished, and trusted. I started telling myself, as a child, that there was something that I had done to not be worthy of protection, and by default; love. I continued to experience this into my teen years, and on into adulthood. It was always me grasping for straws and trying to do for others in hopes to gain the love, and to be protected. There are points in my life where I distinctively remember needing to be loved, needed to be held; protected... saved. I needed to be listened to, and believed. These betrayals, no matter how small they may have been to the others, shaped my perception of relationships (both romantic and familial), and love.

As I sit here writing this, I'm trying to promise myself that I need to stop trying to do 'things' to gain love, because its never going to provide me with the protection that I so desperately crave. I may be too sensitive, and many may say I need to let things go, however.... actions against others leaves a mark. It leaves a debt, and you don't get to cancel that debt by minimizing the recipients reactions, feelings, and emotions. One must not wait on the apologies that aren't coming. The apologies that say "I should have protected you; I should have loved you."

I have learned its okay to protect and love yourself, even when others won't.


In a somewhat related topic, this article hit me in the feels/gut: 9 things you wont remember if you had a toxic parent what that means