Jumping A Rut

CHANGE ENERGIZES US! 

That was the bullshit motto of my previous corporate job. While I understand the overlying message, the underlying one is full of deceit and Kool-aid. I always took this as "we are going to change what we want, when we want, and you need to roll with it!" That's exactly what it was. It was a way for us to get comfortable with the changes that were thrown at us. Why am I mentioning this? Because of ruts. I hated the job, but I had done it for a long time, and I was good at it. I'd come to work for my coworkers (and friends), my team, the benefits, and a paycheck. Everyday was torture for the empathic, HSP, gentle being that is me. Everyday the verbal onslaught of hatred and death threats, all over a damn cell phone, was enough to push my true self deep down within. The daily promise that "change energizes us" became a sugary drink of lies, and false hopes. It never energized us. It indoctrinated us.

I was in a rut, and the promise of energy was delicious. The deeper I got, the sweeter the promise was. One small droplet at a time, I waited for it. I dug deeper into my rut. I kept thinking I'd find happiness in a promotion. I'd find happiness in more money. I didn't.

I was placated by the lie.

I needed to jump out of my rut.

Looking back on it now, I know that I stayed with a job I was far too miserable with. I stayed because it provided financial security, insurance, and safety. Safety in knowing what each day would bring. It would bring a shitstorm of verbal abuse, but I knew it was coming. Every day. Day in and day out. It was horrible, yet comfortable. The familiarity of it all was a lie. I bought into it each and every day.

We stay in ruts because of the fear of the unknown. It's exceedingly difficult to formulate a plan to get out of the rut, and it's even harder implementing the climb out. Then comes the actual climb. It's hard. You're full of self doubt. You're worried about failing and falling. you're worried that you'll disappoint yourself and others. It scares you into submission.

Once you've made these leaps and bounds, and you find yourself accomplished and looking down into the rut you once found yourself. It's a temporary feeling of accomplishment, because what lies in front of you is the expanse of the unknown. I'll say it's fucking terrifying. Up here, you'll find no grooves, no paths of rhythm.

THIS IS WHERE YOU MUST MAKE YOUR OWN PATH

Here's where things get wonderfully abrasive. You get to carve your own path. You get to try things, and fail. Try again. Succeed, or fail again. You can reinvent yourself, or explore different avenues that you've only wished to walk. 2017 and 2018 were hard years for me. 2017 I quit my job, sold my house, moved back to Maine, ended up leaving my then husband, dealt with unnecessary family abuse, lost some of the people I held closest to my heart, and worse of all, I nearly lost myself.

What I've gained? I've gained self respect. I've found the little 'Me' that I buried so deep down into the rut, that I almost buried her alive. I found love, and happiness. I found my patience. I found my writing voice again. I discovered that I can have a career caring about others without being railroaded by the sleaze of a shitty ladder climbing job. I found that life is worth digging myself out of the rut. Life is not just worth surviving, but worth savoring.

Jumping the rut was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but holy shit, I'm glad I did it. No matter how alone I felt, or how risky it was, I can say I climbed out. There are many times I walk to the edge of the rut and look down. I know I shouldn't look down, but doing so is a good reminder of who I was, and where I came from. I know that there will be rut-like situations in the future, but knowing what I've come from, and where I'm now, I'll be okay taking that plunge.

Let me climb out and find the empty canvas of the flatlands again. Let me paint the landscape of my life.

You can do it too.

xoxo