Feeling Alone In A Sea Of People

My Small Maryland Cloud circa 2013

It's cliche, but true. Today I felt completely alone while being surrounded by people. These people weren't strangers. These were people I've known for nearly two years, give or take a lifetime. These were people I've shared soft moments with, hard moments, difficult truths, and full hearty laughs with these people. Yet, being among them, today I felt alone.

A wise friend, and coworker and myself had a quick conversation about transitions and leaps of faith. I admitted that I've been fidgeting for what seems like weeks. Writing, either with my story or blogging, hasn't been easy. It's been stagnant and hard. My creativity has been stifled. I know that of my story, book two will be dark. Not necessarily in an obvious sense. To write this part of the story, I feel like I need to follow the emotions of the main character's. I said I feel like I need to get in the same depressed head space. She got it, and you know what? That scared me. It scared me because it's true. It scares me because I'm already there.

There was a moment today where I felt ridiculously alone. Alone in a crowd. With friends. I felt it from my shoulders to the tips of my fingers. My chest felt hollow, yet heavy. All I wanted to do was to cry. So when 5 o'clock rolled around, that's what I did. I cried.

It is so easy to allow those feelings to consume you, to tell you that you aren't worthy and that you're unloved. It's easy to allow it to consume you, when you feel like there's so little left of you. You start finding the reasons why you feel this way. Pictures, the past, family, friends... anything. And everything.

Goddamn I'm trying to use this feeling to my advantage. I want to use this for writing, but I'm struggling. Hard. I'm struggling to find the time to write. Struggling to find the motivation to write.

Sometimes one day at a time is hard.