Imposter Syndrome

Here's a dirty little secret for you: I feel like a fraud. I struggle with intelligence and education, and chalk up any accomplishments to sheer dumb luck ( McGonagall quote, FTW). There are many different reasons why I do this, but I think it stems from the constant criticism and all that bullshit. I find it incredibly difficult to take compliments, for what reason it doesn't matter. Maybe its because I wanted them for so long that I now feel like any compliment is fictitious, I don't know. All I know is that it is PAINFULLY difficult for me.

I say this all as I'm heavily considering going back to school for my Master's in Social Work.

I've wanted to be a counselor for a long time (I give some great advice, I just sometimes have trouble listening to my own words...oops). LCSW would provide that opportunity to me. Wouldn't that be fun? My dream is to be a writer, and be able to be a therapist on the side. I'd like to be able to help people because I can, and really not have to worry about getting paid for it (though it would be nice).

BUT THEN COME THE THOUGHTS OF SELF DOUBT, SHAME, RIDICULE AND ALL THEIR NASTY LITTLE FRIENDS.

 I want to do this, but I don't think I have the ability to do it. This is where it gets hard. Once I tell someone that I'm going to do it, I feel like I'm disappointing them if I don't complete said thing. It's literally anything and everything. I know of my impermanence and relative unimportance, so why worry about what someone MIGHT think if I decide to not follow through?

The feeling of fraud......

The feeling that I need to be something, but the history of trauma.... leaves you doubting yourself. So what am I going to do? I'm going to take my time. I'm going to see what resonates with me.

Shit, maybe I'll research doctorate programs.

In the long run, I guess it doesn't matter because we all have free will to change our minds again and again. I'll continue to work on accepting what I know, and stop the diminishing myself bullshit.