Rabbit holes, Spirals, and $400 of text books

 

                                                   I stole the moon to make myself smile 

A shiver came quick,

grabbed me up by the back of the neck,

and shook me down to the floor,

through my shoes, through the floor,

to core of the earth.

I muttered something, swallowed some air.

Science, miracles, monkeys, or prayer,

I’ll believe in anything when I’m there

I’m certain I’ve said that before.

I’ll believe in anything when I’m there

I’m certain I’ve said that before.

~Michael Stipe

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Really, it's okay." A lie. A shield. A protection cast; a charm to repel. Like oil to skin, a hope that it doesn't sink in. It does. Takes hold to the soul. A word of solace, but fails to work. "It's fine, I'm fine. It's really okay." Words spoken, but really for who?

Sometimes a touch of time and a smidge of perspective helps. There are those times that it just really doesn't fucking matter. Like salt in an open wound, you know you need to plow through, but the till doesn't come easy. The mental labor, arduous and never ending, can only be paused. There's no simple ESC to mash keyboard. Believe me, I've tried. A laugh, a joke helps for a moment. Conversations and lightheartedness is a diversion. But it will be okay. 

I have to believe that it is. 

I believe... I do believe that this soft exterior, matching what's within, fragile heart just might be too brittle. But this, I truly don't want to believe. Like one of those jarring realizations that all you can do is stand there and shake your head repeatedly and say "no, nope. This isn't true" as you try to convince yourself that it isn't. But you know deep down that it is, indeed, the truth. 

In the infancy stages of the first therapist that I've felt comfortable with since moving back, the agreement is what was suspected. The testing will begin. Scores to be calculated, and action plans will be hashed. For now, the coping mechanism is a hard line dragging across my skin leaving behind the permanency of ink. 

These are the times I remind myself that I never want to not feel, because to not feel is to not live. But fuck, doesn't it hurt. I'll try to sleep, to dream for now. " For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own." ~ A. Dumbledore. 

I wanna feel like I feel when I'm asleep... for there, things are okay.