Love Language and Self Honesty

 

I may not be religious, but Nadia Bolz-Weber has been a go to for weeks. 

Sometimes advise comes when you least expect it by people who you would expect it from. It goes without saying that the female friendships that I've made this past year are some of which I hold near and dear to my heart. Our interactions may be few, but the acceptance and support is wildly meaningful to me. So, when this advice comes honestly, succinct and on point, I listen. I accept what I've been told. I feel it. I feel it in the left and right diaphragm, then the warmth spreads over the rest of my body. I know when this happens that its true. My very spirit reacts and knows that this advise.... it's some good shit, and I need to take this in. 

First, I need to know my love language. Not just know it, but understand that shit, and be honest with myself. Words of affirmation came in at #1 with 33% and acts of service in second with 30%. What I'm taking from this is that I want to hear affirmation, but I want you to walk the walk. Follow through with your words with your actions, which has been a struggle of mine with others for a ridiculously long time. If you want to lose my trust, don't follow through with promises. 

Don't betray me. Don't tell me you're going to do something, and not follow through with it. Don't promise me the world, then take no action on the follow through. They're just empty words at that point, which leaves me thinking there's a motive. That doesn't bode well with me. 

I need to know what I want from a partner. Shooting for 'decent' isn't working. Feeling some sort of way over minimal effort isn't serving me at all. I need to know what I want. I want passion. Passion for life, for things, for music. Music is my life, and we must share this passion. We must share genres, not all, but some. I want to swap music, and listen together. This is usually the first way into my heart, and I know this. Wanna score some points? Make me a playlist. That's how you attract me. 

I'm not going to say I have a type anymore, but I gotta find the dude physically attractive. He also needs to have personality, but not so much its overwhelming. He's got to have humor, a work ethic, and goals. Fairly standard, I know. But... it's absolutely imperative that he gets me. I absolutely without a doubt need a sexual attraction. I need to be attracted to their mind. I want to be able to be completely entranced by someone. I want to have thoughtful stimulating conversations that make me want to rip their clothes off in attraction and passion. I yearn for an animalistic want, yet refined at the same time. The soft balance of physical, sexual and mental/mind attraction is what I crave. All are imperative, and there will be no sacrifice. If one aspect is missing, it won't work. 

But what does a partner to know about me? Beyond what he brings to the table, I need for him to have patience with me. I have troubles trying to say what I mean, so patience is a must. Know that I am wildly empathetic and I care for people. Trauma response aside, I want to help people, legitimately. I don't do this to placate, I do this because I know what it feels like to hurt, and I don't wish that on anyone. I need him to know that I love. I love easily, and I want to show it. I want to be able to walk up behind him and hug him, regardless where we are. I want to hold hands. I want to rub his back when I think he needs it, or hell, just because I want to. I want to love and nurture. I want to be able to be me. The awkward, goofy, random dance party sing along Kali that I am. I want to be accepted as I am. Sometimes I'm quiet, and I need support. I need to know that things are okay. I'm working on these things, but it takes time. I need to feel safe. I need to be called out on my bullshit too. I need to know when I'm being obtuse; when I'm pulling an attitude. This isn't some weird flex. Most of the time it's trauma self preservation. Isolate, create a sense of ultra independence when I feel like I need to protect myself. Conditioned response, I'm sure, but I'm trying to unPavlov myself. It takes time. It takes patience. This is what I need. 

I need to know how to communicate and ditch the passive voice. I can knock it off with the "I'm just" or "I'm sorry" because this is me diminishing my capacity. The self depreciation can stop too. While sometimes its great for comedic relief, there's a time and a place. I'm not entirely sure, but I think part of this, and my inability to be 100% direct is some disconnect between my brain and my mouth. It takes me a moment to get out what I need to say. I stammer. I use filler words, A LOT. I get incredibly frustrated with myself when I don't know how to explain things, and it makes be feel bad about myself. It's the reason why I write so much. There's no disconnect from my brain to my hands and fingers. OCD, processing disorder, I don't know what it is, but it bothers me. A lot. Don't use this against me. Just give me patience when I can't talk. 

Know this. I'm weird. My brain does interesting things. My senses get crossed, and I may say dumb shit, like "that chorus tastes round." I OCD spiral, at least that's what I'm calling it. Rabbitholing information is a jam of mine. I panic. My anxiety is stupid, as is my depression. All things that I am working on. But these are all different facets of me, that I will not apologize for. It may be too much for some, and that's okay. Just be honest and tell me. I'm not for everyone. I'm not meant to be. Some of you are probably put in my path to teach me a lesson, or for me to do that for you. If that's the case, thank you. I'm learning to be okay with not being everyone's cup of tea. I am working on loving me. Knowing what I deserve, and what I want. 

This is a small reflection on a truly wonderful, necessary, and honest conversation. For the both of us. Magic can be found when you least expect it, and Molly had no idea that I needed that conversation at that very moment. Fate knew, however. I knew stopping into Commonplace (Molly's kick ass consignment shop in town) was what I needed to do. I'm glad I did for all the reasons. 

xoxo

Bringing it back to the late 70's with this. Last week this was my shower song. How could it be not?