self loathing like a damn champ

A lot of the time, the ocean makes me feel better. It makes me feel small and temporary, and in that I feel peace. Today, this I did not find. 

Grad school started, so I don't know how much time, if any, I'll be able to commit to writing. Right now, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness, loneliness, and doubt. This is week one of a 3 year program.

What the fuck am I doing?!

Today the loneliness hit me. Yesterday it was sadness. Tuesday it was the doubt. That one came in hard. I was feeling pretty good about school. I don't know what happened. No, I lied. I know exactly what happened. My internal negative self talk started bubbling up again, and told me that grad school round two was a dumb idea and I will fail. No coincidence here, but that internal voice, as I know it, belongs 100% to my mother. I've said it before and I'll say it again, when you hear over and over again that you're a piece of shit, you start believing it. It's incredibly hard to not hear it, so you develop systems to combat it. An override if you will. An extra layer of code to hide in your brain. The tricky this is, is that it's only hidden; never removed. It lives there deep inside the brain matter folds waiting to get tripped up and resurface again.

Tuesday it came back.

As usual, it brought on the unworthiness feelings of love too. This one I wrestle with nearly daily. There are only so many times I can repeat the mantra, " I am worthy of love" before the words start getting stuck in my throat. I start to choke and sputter; forced to stop repeating it. When I do, the feeling comes back. Do I feel that, or do I choke? I don't know the answer.

The loneliness. This one is a bitch. Recently, I watched this Oprah video (yes, Oprah... and it makes me cry. Bonus points for that) about ones capacity to give and receive love. The premise is that some people give all they can give, but they have pint capacities. There are some people that are ten gallon people. They give a lot... A LOT... of love, but they also need to get that amount back.

I AM A TEN GALLON PERSON

I give ridiculous amounts of love to those who matter to me. From friends, to family..I will easily bleed for others. I know no other way. But, I unfortunately need this in return. No everyone can give this to me. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever find that. My mind is telling me that not only will I not find it, but I don't deserve it so I should just stop looking. This self manufactured sadness is like no other. I cried at work today. I then took myself to my beach to cry. I came home and cried. Fuck, I'm crying while I make this self admission in writing.

I know I'll feel better soon. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. I know that I'll be okay.

Maybe I just need a hug.

any takers?