... With A Head Full Of Sawdust
My heads been filled with shit for far too fucking long
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| This is #8 from '9'. If you don't know, you should. Watch it. Here he is getting brain fuzzed out on a magnet. |
Holy shit you guys. I know I've talked a bit about clarity and such, but I stand behind this notion 150%. I don't know if its empathic shit, or hypervigilance that causes me to pick up on people's emotions/feelings/etc but I finally just feel MYSELF now. I could tell because he (we'll call him Asshat today) got his things the Friday before last. Besides feeling nervous, I could feel his negativity within seconds of him walking in. It felt like static all over, chaos and confusion. It felt like an angry lost soul looking to lash out to anything and anyone that would allow him a foothold. I didn't. He tried. He ended up getting escorted out of the apartment as he tried to start shit. There was the threat of back up and arrest, and he finally made his way outside. Once he stepped outside again, I felt the peace. I realized just how fuzzed out he made me feel. I felt like #8 and I didn't like it.
Everyday things are easier. For the most part. I know I will never get answers for a fistful of things. Some answers for myself, and some for the people he's fucked over before me. There's one in particular that has been jarring to say the least. unsure whether or not he made up this lie, or if it was his enemy/friend woman. You see, they have a mutual friend they've both had a deep tie to. For him he strung her along, and for her, they were close friends. You know how sometimes in grade school when one person is absent, the present friends will talk shit and rally against the missing friend? I believe this childish action was taken against her. I was told by him that she had sexual assault charges pending against her from another woman. He acted so appalled yet glad that he "cut ties" with her. I thought it was odd that he was confiding in someone who he had maintained was a sworn enemy because she attacked him at a bar once. I was there, it was embarrassing and completely unnecessary for all parties involved. Anyways, I told her what he had said. Most of me wish I hadn't, knowing how much this hurt her. I wish it wasn't said to me. I wish it wasn't said at all.
Minds permanently filled with sawdust do this. Unable to clear the shit between their ears, they cannot see beyond themselves. Think of them as opportunistic leeches if you will. They lack all sense of empathy, and compassion. They fill their heads full of sawdust in the attempts and hopes of soaking up the shit. Isn't that was sawdust is used for, or is my small-time farm girl showing? Either which way, its been bugging me for weeks, but this is the point I can't allow it to continue to haunt me. Hauntings are for ghosts that can't move on. I'm moving on. I've closed the door to his bullshit.
With clarity comes resolution. I resolve to not harden my ways. I'm still going to put good out there as often as I can. While I work on keeping the door closed on the chapter of my life titled "Asshat and his blind followers", I know that leading with a clear head, and mind is the best thing to do.
Living well is the best revenge. Living with love is the best revenge. Living with a clear conscience is the best revenge. Living... is the best revenge.
Everyday things are easier. For the most part. I know I will never get answers for a fistful of things. Some answers for myself, and some for the people he's fucked over before me. There's one in particular that has been jarring to say the least. unsure whether or not he made up this lie, or if it was his enemy/friend woman. You see, they have a mutual friend they've both had a deep tie to. For him he strung her along, and for her, they were close friends. You know how sometimes in grade school when one person is absent, the present friends will talk shit and rally against the missing friend? I believe this childish action was taken against her. I was told by him that she had sexual assault charges pending against her from another woman. He acted so appalled yet glad that he "cut ties" with her. I thought it was odd that he was confiding in someone who he had maintained was a sworn enemy because she attacked him at a bar once. I was there, it was embarrassing and completely unnecessary for all parties involved. Anyways, I told her what he had said. Most of me wish I hadn't, knowing how much this hurt her. I wish it wasn't said to me. I wish it wasn't said at all.
Minds permanently filled with sawdust do this. Unable to clear the shit between their ears, they cannot see beyond themselves. Think of them as opportunistic leeches if you will. They lack all sense of empathy, and compassion. They fill their heads full of sawdust in the attempts and hopes of soaking up the shit. Isn't that was sawdust is used for, or is my small-time farm girl showing? Either which way, its been bugging me for weeks, but this is the point I can't allow it to continue to haunt me. Hauntings are for ghosts that can't move on. I'm moving on. I've closed the door to his bullshit.
With clarity comes resolution. I resolve to not harden my ways. I'm still going to put good out there as often as I can. While I work on keeping the door closed on the chapter of my life titled "Asshat and his blind followers", I know that leading with a clear head, and mind is the best thing to do.
Living well is the best revenge. Living with love is the best revenge. Living with a clear conscience is the best revenge. Living... is the best revenge.
There are so many people that need to take a listen to this gem.
so many.
so many.
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