Happy Birthday

It's Friday. Another trip around the sun has closed.

What did you do this year?

spring, recoil, lash out, and repeat.

Don't forget to have a drink.

Did you feel that? Did you feel the pain. 

Did you repeat a pattern?

Drink.

Did you hurt yourself, and so many others again this year?

Was that pain you allowed yourself to feel?

Probably not.

It's your birthday. Go celebrate.

You're happy right?

DRINK. 

I wrote and posted on May 21st, 2018. I had sporadic bits of text convo with my then boyfriend. I thought he was just going through something, which is what he would say. I thought he decided to move back in with his mom. The answer was that he was bouncing between me and another woman. I know this now, but then I just thought he was lost. I thought I was lost. I thought I could save him. On the eve of his birthday I wrote a few words hoping he'd read them and know that there's beauty in the world. 

Long and the short, I know now I was writing for myself. I needed to take this pain and regurgitate it into something beautiful. I needed a reminder of the beauty in this world. To remain soft in the hard harsh world we live in. To allow myself to feel, and to know that the emotions need to happen. I can't push it down, stuff it, and forget them. That never works. I know this, he doesn't. That's why he drinks. That's why I don't. 

There's freedom in feeling pain. I know this sounds contradictory, but if you allow yourself to feel this pain, emotional... physical... whatever it may be, you free yourself. It's beautiful to feel everything. To feel pain, and love, anger, and hope. You can't numb out one negative emotion, and hope to feel the good. It doesn't work like that. 

Feel it all. 

You're out there still running.