37: Age, Minutes past the hour, degrees outside, and gas miles left in my tank

There are times that I just have to go for a drive and see the ocean. Not that it's far from me, which isn't the case at all, but sometimes I just need to be close to its vastness to be reminded of my infinite smallness (oh so smol). It's almost futile, but it helps center and calm me, and realize what makes me heavy is only temporary. Needless to say, my occhiolism game is strong. I found myself in the bowels of the town I grew up in. The weight of transformation pushed down on me, as I saw 'for sale' sign, one after another, knowing that these houses are destined for gentrification. I kept driving. I needed to get rid of the heavy, again knowing its temporary, I pressed on. 

I reached the ocean. I didn't stop driving though. It was more of a slow moving drive by as I took in the sight. The moment I slowed down and let my eyes drift out to see, I felt the weight lift. One deep breath in of cool ocean air and I was feeling the tension slip away. I didn't care if it was barely above freezing or not, I relished it. With my writing playlist going in the background, I drove off to go home.

The ride back into town seemed unusually short. I don't know if I was hypnotized by the road or what, but I found myself on the town line. Just then, I looked down at my dash. 37 miles left in my tank. 37 degrees outside. 37 minutes past 3pm. 

I am 37.

That moment seemed to last for ten minutes. I questioned myself whether or not I should pull over to take a pic. I didn't. The dash read the same as I looked from the road and back down. I knew something was important about this feeling; this time, and I needed to remember it. 

I got home and quickly started this entry. Me in my normal state of excitement flightiness, I put it down to research a handful of things. I researched some legit things (i.e. getting my LSW which is apparently easier than me getting my CADC), I also researched the meaning of 37 (its the number of wisdom and clarity?). I sat back and realized that I didn't need to research or ponder. I knew what it meant. To me.

I admitted to myself that I needed to be brutally honest with myself, and my past. I realized in order to understand my future, I needed to work through the trenches of my past. I needed to deal with the shit I pushed down so deep down inside. 

It's coming up, and I'm going to deal with it with writing. This is what my 2020 looks like.

here goes nothing EVERYTHING