You Can't Fight Yourself

 

                                                 We are all a little a lot weird on Halloween

I know it's been a moment. Several really, but I'm busy. I'm going to allow myself the freedom to not apologize because simply, busy is enough. Tonight I forced myself to get on the treadmill which was hard, but I found myself doing it. I just got up and... did it. I know that sounds trivial, but with the amount of anxiety I have, just 'doing it' is not easy. There have been times where I literally have to will myself to get up to do said thing (eat, pee, go to bed, text someone back..etc) and when that fails, I feel like I've failed. While this may be premature, I will say that I feel like my new meds are working. The mental battle to DO no longer feels like a war within. I don't feel the self loathing and hatred of how I am, which really is the hatred of how my brain works. 

Tonight I realized I don't hate the way my mind works. 

This week I found myself no longer feeling guilt, or shame for not being able to 'just do' said things. For the past year or so, I have told myself that my mind is manual shift where others is not. This week, I felt that change. I have been able to get up and do things I thought about. Not seeing lists of tasks to complete for EVERYTHING is quite nice. In fact it moved me to tears tonight. As I did have to force myself on the treadmill tonight (but I did it. Before, I would have just laid on the couch feeling guilty about not doing it), I was thinking about all the things I can do. Instead of seeing lists of tasks, I saw ideas blooming and taking shape. I felt like things were connecting, both academically and professionally, and no I wasn't high. 

Tonight I let my mind work as it does. 

I let myself have what felt like a million ideas at once, all without anxiety. Hope and excitement replaced the panic, and the idea of what the future holds was delicious. I know my mind has no chill, and I'm okay with that. 

I've felt guilt for most of my life, and I've repeated countless times "why are you like this?" to myself. I now know it's okay. This is me. Without this mind I don't know who I'd be, but it certainly isn't Kali. 

Thalassa by Ioanna Gika: A short yet haunting song that I just cannot quit right now. Put it on repeat and have a creepy good time. I know I have.