So I Can Rest My Head

warning: this is me being moopy and sad. Shit sucks but I'm okay, or at least I will be okay.

I'm really tired of playing this shitty hand I've been dealt. I can't unshuffle the deck, but I keep hoping for some luck. I keep putting the cards down, picking them back up, and trying again. I don't know how many times this happens until something gives. The dealer laughs each time I look up in despair. I smile, and think "I got this" and have to bank on "creative solutions" or "resiliency". Yet fucking again. My problem is that I have no fucking clue what it's like to have the comfort and solace that others feel when they think of their parents. I don't get warm fuzzies. I feel sadness, pain, resentment, loneliness and longing. I don't know the feeling beyond burden and responsibility, but this parental responsibility looks a lot like bare minimum with the hand off to the grandparents hoping they'll fill the gaps. They filled in what they could, and they are probably the reason why my brother and I have some sort of resiliency. I'm pretty sure they are the only reason we ended up "okay". Okay being a relative term. Okay meaning spending your entire adult life in and out of therapy, on meds, blaming and hating yourself, being an overachieving perfectionist.. then yeah. I'm 'okay'. 

I keep saying that I am positively jealous of my friends who have good/healthy relationships with their parents. I admit that I feel the sting not knowing that feeling of safety. I imagine what it would be like. In theory it feels wonderful, but then that hole in me cries out to be filled, but since I don't have safety, it gets filled with sadness. It's better than nothing I suppose. It's better than an empty void. Some emotion is better than none, right? 

I guess I'll feel everything negative emotion to feel the good.

I'll take another card. 

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