I Reject (myself again) Reality And Substitute My Own
Lucky for me, I like nuggets.
Holy shit. It's been a moment since I've written. lots of things have happened and are happening. I'll fill you in soon. But for now, let's chat about those epiphany moments we have. Those beautiful moments of raw, belt sander to the skin realizations that... perhaps.... no, that you needed to hear.
Y'ALL. THIS ONE IS A DOOOOZY
It's probably been established at this point that I suck at dating. I suck at flirting. I am an awkward turtle that will come out with "that's what she said" or "your mom" at any chance I can get. Clearly, I am an adult. I've literally had girlfriends read text exchanges back to me to confirm that a dude just might be interested because I just don't get it. I don't know if it's me being oblivious, self deprecation, or the inability to understand that someone just might ACTUALLY be interested in me. For me. As I am. Jesus Christ, it was even hard writing that. So, guess what I was told today? (If you saw the picture above, you'll get it, but I'm just going to say it here too). I reject myself. I reject myself before someone else gets the chance to reject me. I'd like to say that's some Inception™ shit, but I know that it's self preservation because I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to bruise my ego, and I'd like to keep my heart intact. At this point of my life, I don't even know if I'd really believe it if someone came up to me, grabbed my face and planted their lips on mine, that this is someone's way of showing me that they are remotely interested in me.
Jaded? I dunno.
Afraid? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. yes.
Oblivious? verdicts out on that one.
I've spent two years single. Some of it was hard, but very necessary. I've learned that I don't want someone there just to occupy a space. I don't need someone to be a place holder. Now, not to sound business-like, but I need a stakeholder with a vested interest in me. I don't need or want a transactional relationship. I want something meaningful, and with all (or most) of those other Kali criteria. I remember back in summer of 2020, I told a dear friend that I was going to make a Kali dating application. I believe his response was "okay wow." I don't want that. I don't want manufactured. I want natural and organic chemistry. But, riddle me this, how to I accept that when presented on a silver platter when one is oblivious(?) DURING A PANDEMIC.
I should probably get back to homework, or sleep. I'm not sure which is going to come first. If someone reads this and can give me further insight, please, let's continue these info nugs. I'll provide the dipping sauce, you provide the the kernels of knowledge.
💓Kali
p.s. clearly I've been on yet another Green Day kick. *here we go again...* (yes, I know this is not Going to Pasalacqua but... Knowledge. Both are intentional, thnx.)
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