You know, shit's okay
I took a moment, or several. I realized the banded fog had lifted for a second. A second; long enough to catch my breath and see the blue sky and know that this storm can be weathered. I've come so far, and still more road before me, I rest. Reflection nor insight were considered, just rest.
I know, I know... I haven't written in a while. I've been busy, and I haven't had the mental fortitude to even entertain the idea. I lied, I tried twice and failed. But here I am, and .. shit's chill.
What does that mean? It means that I am 100% content with me as I am. Physically, mentally, emotionally (if you can believe that), just... the whole thing. I'm constantly changing, which is the part I needed to realize. I'm not the person I was yesterday, or the person last year, or ten years ago. I've fucked up, I've learned lessons, and I keep going. I'll keep fucking up and making mistakes. I'll have setbacks and gains. I'll lose the beauty of the sea, but find the light in the dark. One continuous ever changing being here on this earth for a fleeting moment, and I'm okay with it. I'm okay with me.
One of the mental fuckery points I've been grappling with is the idea that you come into this world alone and you leave this world alone. What a sad and futile point is what I thought for the longest time. Still, I cry as I write that, but there's so much love, and wonder, and existence in that being. We are never truly alone in spirit if you are accepting of yourself. At least, this is what I believe right now.
I've come to terms with so many different aspects of myself, but yet it wasn't clearly defined. The lines of demarcation from 'not okay' to 'I get it' were as clear as mud, and in fact, it took a diagnosis (finally!) of ADHD to GET IT. I UNDERSTAND IT NOW. In an odd turn of events, knowing that there's a biological mechanism behind my 'isms' and in part my inability to accept me as I am, helped me accept me, this body, this mind, soul.. all of it. I'm okay with my body as it is. I'm okay with my mind ... with its haphazard creativity and fuckery. I'm okay with my inability to 'word' sometimes, or my weirdo intrusive thoughts. I'm okay with being alone. I'm okay with me being me by myself.
At the end of last year when I thought that things were gonna get serious with someone, he asked me "are you sure you're ready?" I was quick to say, "oh yeah, totally good" but I knew that was premature. It ended as quickly as it began and I haven't heard from him since. Unfortunate, yes, but necessary. He probably knew better than I did I'm sure. His insight was a far more accurate reading of my mental state than my own, which of course was 100% biased. But this was the platform for me to sit with some abrasion and figure my shit out. 8 months later, I'm still working on it, but I'm okay. That last piece of the puzzle, being single and being good with it, has finally settled into its resting place.
I've apparently run out of steam, which is okay. It's been a moment since I've done any substantial mental hoops sorta writing, and its been a long painful (physical pain) day, so this is what I got for now.
Stay safe, and love yourself.
~Kali
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