Kali v.1,1982-2020 meet Kali v.2, 2021

 

                                                            Kali 2020                                     Kali 2021.. so far

                2020 wasn't kind, but it was exactly what I needed. Forced or not, it was necessary for growth

To the girl I was: 

I see how tired you look. I'll be honest and tell you that the face you wear is a lie. The forced smile of a selfie wasn't fooling anyone. Bloated, your natural light dimmed as his poison wore on your delicate skin. You shrunk. You diminished your capacity. 

The depression started a long time ago. It came with traumatic events, and each time it would get a little worse. Fight it, swallow it, stuff it deep down within. Smile so it doesn't show. Repeat. This holding pattern that began at twelve was ignored. That fine line between being a bother, and it being easier to ignore it, those mental health cries went unheard. 

You remember the first time to stopped eating at twelve? Instead of voices of concern, you were met with congratulations for getting skinny. The wrong attention, you kept it up. An easy way to develop an eating disorder, but like everything else, you hid it well. You put your nose to the grindstone. You did your schoolwork well. You did the sports well. Do the things. Do them well. Repeat. Hold this pattern. Don't deviate. Just keep going. 

DO. WHAT. YOU. HAVE. TO. DO. TO. SURVIVE.

Remember having those suicidal ideations before you knew what they were? The sweet means to an end, but who could forget the hypochondriasis that plagued you? No one would remember because who really knew? We lived this weird existence of not wanting to exist, but yet doing whatever we could to succeed. 

Do the things. Do them well. Maybe you'll be loved if you do it better. Be faster. Be smarter. Be pretty. Be malleable. 

Survive.

To you, dear sweet girl. You wanted to rest. You thought you had survived it all. You lived through the storm of the mother, of faults and abuse. You realized family curses and dry brushed them from your existence, regardless of the cost. 

Then came 2020. 

Pandemic. More abuse. A man dementor tried sucking your soul dry, but decided to leave instead. This was the final straw. In this pivotal moment, you could have cracked. Given up. 

My dear sweet child, Kali. You survived. 

You felt the sting of each day. You moved through the pain of loss, the wondering curiosity of how you came to this point. You forgave others, and vowed to never forget. Most importantly, you forgave yourself. 

Then it happened. 

A flicker. a smolder of a flame. Your light reignited. Slowly, steadily, but surely your light was replenished. You didn't know what this was, for it was put out far too long ago. You've existed without it longer than you have with it, and like a moth to the flame, it burned. It burned, but provided the warmth you needed. It cleaned your skin of the desperation of love you craved. It cleaned the mud of trauma, and allowed you to see things as they were. A fresh wound if you will, the cleaned flesh sat proud and bright. Your light was back. 

Sweet survivor Kali, you moved through the pain. The burn. The heartache and blood. The spark of your eyes has returned. Determination is a friend of yours, and self worth is no longer the fickle friend it used to be. You've become unapologetically you. Just as you should be. Listen when people tell you to be confident, because you have no reason to not be. You have every right to be. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE. 

Kali v.1; 1982-2020 meet Kali v.2; 2021. She loves you. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. She wouldn't exist if you hadn't have survived it all. Regardless of what you left behind, you are here. You lived. You are the foundation from which she was born. This is why this light shall shine, and shine she shall. 

                                                                            These fucking days