Notes For My Therapist 1/8/2021 8am

 

I make it no secret about being a hypocrite, especially when it comes to therapy. There are just some things that are stupid hard to do, and after the last fiasco, this is damn near impossible. Almost as bad as paperwork to change my name, or a million other things that will benefit me, it's just really fucking hard to do. So hard, in fact, I consider it an accomplishment if these post it note confessions of hypocrisy make it onto an actual to-do list. The "5 small things" trick used to work on me, but now I'm unmoved by it's effectiveness. It sucks because I liked it. 

I dug through notebooks for clearing and to see the little "Kali notes" written in the margins and old beat to shit post it hanging out the side, I decided to pull them all out and organize it for my first new therapist session for 2021. 

- I want to trust, legitimately, and not just this "lemme give you just enough of myself unprovoked and watch you fuck it up because you didn't ask for it, nor did I give you direction" thing. 

- because of the one above, I want to stop hurting my own fucking feelings. 

- Tell me my pain is psychosomatic. That would be great. The great precursor was hypochondriasis, so let's tackle this one too. 

- I'm tired of people pleasing. 

- APPROVAL. I need to stop seeking it. 

- How do I get the bazillion half done projects done without starting another one?

- Anxiety, PTSD, and depression are dumb. This is what I know I have. I've been told there's OCD and some other things. I want to use these things to my benefit. I want to know the biological advantages to these in modern day life. I think there is some, and I want to find them. Let's 'theory of everything' this please.

- While we are at it, lets 'life hack' my synesthesia please. It's happened once, and I know it can be done, because a professor did it nearly 15 years ago. 

- Mom issues: Probably need to unpack this one first. 

- Dad issues is next.

- Trauma/ ACE shit is were we need to go in this natural progression.

- How about some sexual trauma shit. 

... This sounds like a great place to start.