When Epiales Visits **trigger warning**

Trigger warning: domestic violence/assault imagery, nightmares, out of body experience

The Nightmare

I've used the name Epiales in my story as the contradiction of what the character is, and what the name means. I've done this throughout the story, because oftentimes authors will intentionally name their characters as a means to leave hints or Easter eggs to what the characters will do or be. I am no different, however, I spot the irony, and try to make a contradiction out of it because we aren't always our names, are we?

I tell people I was accidentally named after the Hindu goddess of death and destruction. At face value it sounds pretty harsh, but the real meaning is beautiful.  I try to live up to the name. Sometimes I don't. 

The other night I was visited by Epiales, the god of nightmares. In the truest sense, be brought the terror as I slept. My wake state oftentimes gets replayed as I sleep. I like to think of it as my daily self debriefing; showing me the things I saw and thought of during the day. However, this debriefing bore no good news. I had shared to facebook an infographic about trauma bonding. Naturally, I thought about it and my own bouts of it. Epiales made sure I didn't forget it either.

I dreamt of enjoying coffee outside my most favorite local coffee shop with one of my favoritest people. The dream started off innocent enough; two people enjoying coffee and good conversation mid afternoon. Laughs and smiles were had, until the intrusion showed. The abusive ex approached us; first addressing my friend (naturally, since he's a dude and the ex couldn't stand other men talking to me. period). In my dream I stood, and put myself in between my friend and the ex and I told the ex that he has no beef with him, and there's no reason for him to talk to us. I told him to get gone. Forever. Then, even in my nightmares his dark eyes haunt me. He stared back, hard, as if he was trying to grab hold of my soul. My friend and I got up, left, only to be stopped by the ex. In my dream, he grabbed me by the neck, and picked me up. At that moment, I was hovering above myself; looking down. I couldn't breathe. I watched from above as people scrambled to get him off of me. He held me up, hit me in the face, then dropped me on the sidewalk. I looked down upon myself as I laid there, unconscious. 

I woke from this nightmare gasping for breath that didn't come. Three times I tried for air, then I forced myself to calm, as I tried again for breath. This time it came. My heart pounding against my chest, I took temporary solace knowing it was a dream. One hell of a nightmare that needed to never be thought of again. 

But here I am being haunted by it. Why? It didn't happen in real life, but the thing is, is that it could have. He had hit me before, and he's hit plenty of women before me. My worries; both in dream and waking states, are legitimate. They are seeded in truths, and his actions. The nightmare continued to haunt me throughout the day. Scared knowing that it could have been worse, yet petrified knowing others before me experienced worse. 

Now, I pray Epiales haunts him. Nightly. I hope he brings him nightmares of reflection of what a shit life he has lead, and will continue to lead. I hope the cries and screams of each woman he's abused plucks away slowly at his soul. Let his night lead to a dream not worthy of verbally repeating, but let it replay in his mind, night after terrifying night. Let him fear his eyes closing, as Epiales waits, with baited breath for his slumber. 

I'll take solace knowing that I am Kali. The Goddess of death and destruction. Let me rebuild and draw from the strength I have within. 

Abuse knows no bounds,

 It lingers and taunts. 

The fear of your hand,

Wrapped around my neck;

choking, taunting

you're satisfaction of pain and power,

fueled by fire and desire.

The struggles you create,

overpowered my small frame.

Separation from mind and body,

Scared, I looked beyond my space. 

Strong in strength, yet the weakest man I know.

I didn't dare speak this truth.

Until now. 

Weak mind, weak heart.

broken spirit and soul.

Nothing but a shadow of what you could have been,

you're attracted to what you lack.

Vampire tactics, you fiercely cling tightly to, 

Your actions are telling, venom you spew.

Your hatred for yourself cloaked in self doubt

You're a weak little boy, 

truth will out. 

~kd

Yes, I'm posting this again because this song is incredibly important to me. How this song makes me feel is all I wish to say.