Painfully Honest With Myself (trigger/content warning: DV & mental health)

Yes, this is me, circa 1989-1990. Don't front; you're jealous of the mullet

Today was my first day physically back to work since March 16th. 111 days since being in my office. Funny how those 1's pop up. They used to be a moment of reflection from the ex bf, mainly because he'd (poorly) sing along to a song mentioning parallel lines and their significance. The irony isn't lost on me.

Anyways....

This morning I got up, took a shower, got dressed..put on some make-up, and made my merry way back to work. I was thrilled to get back to some semblance of normalcy, albeit with masks, too much hand sanitizer and slight paranoia. I relished it. The last time I stepped foot in my office my life was in complete shambles. 111 days ago I thought my world was ending on so many fronts. I looked like shit, and I felt like shit. I looked warn out, and tired. I felt defeated and sad. I was trying too hard to maintain a shitty ass relationship that was getting me nowhere. I left my office March 16th crying.

July 6th I walked into my office glowing. 

My boss and dear friend looked at me, even masked and told me I was glowing. I looked markedly different from the last time I was there. I look happy because I am. 

It took me 2+ years of being in a relationship that was going nowhere, with a man who was/is incapable of doing the bare minimal to better himself, let alone treat me the way I should be treated. I spent 2+ years being ridiculed and made to feel like he was the only person in this world that I should rely on, but his reliability was non existent. The constant dance of gaslighting and abuse was taking its toll on me. Living in fear of his next untreated bipolar mood swing (which I didn't know was his diagnosis until after he left), or being yelled at.. or better being called a "fat fucking cunt" then trying to explain it away as if he was a victim of his previous ex's. Fear of when, not if, he was going to hit me again. I was a shell pretending to be filled with substance. I was hollow; a shadow of my former self. I was lost; depressed. Fallen into another depressive episode unable to eat, I maintained only for my son and work at this time. 

Slowly, the old Kali started emerging. Testing the waters, and making sure the 'coast was clear', she dipped her toes back into reality. The once scared and timid little girl that I had retreated to was finally given the time to grow and come alive. Today, I realized that the girl from within is now present. She is here..and she is strong.

The realization of what I want and deserve in my next love is no longer a mantra that I force myself to repeat. The point from understanding what I deserve to KNOWING what I deserve has been breached, and it's about fucking time. 

I am not hardening myself to this world. I will remain the soft hearted Kali that I've always been, and I know I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. I will never change the fact that I will fall into crushes solely based on a warm smile, or an amazing hug. I find no reason to fix the awkward moments that I unwittingly create. This is me. Love it or don't that's up to you. I will never again push myself or even allow myself to retreat because of someone else. I will never dim my light to someone else's shadow.

If someone wants to be with me, they will have to enrich my life and add value to it. If not, I'll be withdrawing all my fucks, and reinvesting them back into myself. 

111 days ago I was broken, sad, and defeated. 111 days later, I'm whole, happy and healed. I will continue to work on me (stay tuned!) and not take one single day for granted. I've fought really fucking hard to be where I am today; July 6th, 2020. Tomorrow I will fight, as I will from here on out. 

I can't wait for my next adventure. Please greet me with a killer smile and a bear hug.

xoxo

    This song will always hold a wild amount of significance in my heart. Always. 

Dax Riggs: Sleeping With The Witch.