She Gathers Strength As She Goes

I won't pretend that I got here on my own. There were more times than not that I felt weak. I was tired. My spirit broke, I felt like I was lying on the floor with my heart bleeding. I internalized these things as if it was my fault. Those self doubting thoughts of "what did I do?" swept over me. Desperate for answers, I turned to the written word.

I dredged up some humility as I reflected on the last two plus years, and I started writing. Writing not to myself, but to those who might have answers, and deserved apologies. I got incredibly honest with myself, and took two wild leaps of faith. I wrote to the Writer, and the Trekker.

I'll be honest and say I had no idea how to approach either. I had started reading over the Writer's blog which detailed a gut wrenching story of abuse even on the high level overview of what she suffered. When reading the bits that I did, I pretended to not digest it. But I did. I knew I needed to talk to her. I thought she hated me, and she had every right to. We had both been lied to, and while she knew this, I didn't. I stepped off the cliff's edge, and wrote to her.

I got a response.

I was floored. I had just gotten back from a seaside music cranked cruise, and I sat in my car bawling my eyes out for twenty minutes as I read and reread her response. She gave me compassion when I didn't deserve it. She wrote to me for months before hand in the hopes that I would read, digest, and take in her words and experience, because she knew I was going to live the same nightmares she endured. That moment of clarity was jarring, to say the least. My world positively turned upside down. The ex's lies were apparent. I knew she wasn't the monster he made her out to be, and I knew it to my core at this very moment. I wanted to call her, to find her and hug her. I wanted to sit and talk with her for hours, but instead we emailed back and forth for days. Emails turned to texts. She was available for me to complain to, ask questions, and overall be supportive.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT SHE DID.

A few days later, another beautiful soul reached out to me. This one I call Trekker. I had messaged her to make amends. I had never talked to her, but we were in the ex's life at the same time. He played us against each other to benefit his agenda. I knew she wasn't the enemy, and that if I had any anger, it need not fall to her. I sent her a simple message, and knowing she's a very private woman, I didn't think I'd hear from her. But I did. Again, she didn't have to, and she didn't know how I was going to respond. She was vulnerable, and took a leap of faith and responded. What happened was yet another kismet and faithful happening. We started unraveling the truth. We sifted through nearly three years of lies the both of us had been fed. Why is this beautiful? Because she helped me in my grieving. No matter how hard it was for us to learn, we knew that we were not each others enemies. There were moments of intense anger and frustrations. There was sadness and pain. There were moments that we needed to step away from the information we were giving one another to allow ourselves a moment to breathe through the truth. She knew I needed this. She knew that the truth needed to be set free, and we gave it wings. We allowed it to breathe its first breath of life, and it took flight.

THE TRUTH SET US FREE

The Writer, The Trekker, and myself are bonded in unity. We are bonded in the strength and power that we found within ourselves to take those leaps of necessary fate. It's been almost three months since he walked out, and because of these two incredibly brave, selfless, remarkable women, I am strong. I am the strongest I've ever been. They have given me the peace and support that I didn't know I needed, or in that matter, that I deserved. They supported me without an agenda, they supported me because they knew that this was necessary for us all. They did so in support.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN LOVE AND SUPPORT

If you know me, you can probably imagine that I'm sitting here crying as I write. If you do, and this is your image of me, please know that you're right. I am incredibly moved daily by the actions of these two women. We should all be moved. We would all want to support one another. 

Support one another. Be there for one another. Love one another.  

The Queen.