I Am Too Much
I am revisiting muchness...
I've been thinking that me, in my true form,might not be isn't palatable to all. I get it, it might be too much. It might be overbearing and annoying. It might be worthy of an eye roll or a snicker. However, my muchness is simply born from love. I've taken the things that I've heard about me. The things that are "too much"
I talk too much- I CAN talk too much, but when I do, it's usually because I'm interested. I'm completely invested in what we are talking about. I'm invested in you. I want to know more about you. I'll ask questions (see below), and I'll rabbit hole your interests. I get it, it can be too much.
I get excited about people easily- Yes, I do get excited about people. Although I am introverted, I relish being around people. I get awkward, because there's so many wonderful things going on around me. I want to say "Hi" to everyone. But usually I don't. Rooted to the spot, I've let my muchness take over. Fearful that I'll be an annoyance, I'll sit and be awkward with my muchness. I'm working on this. I promise.
I ask too many questions- Maybe it's because I'm awkward, but mostly because I want to know more. Conversations hold piqued interest, and I'll forget my guard. I'll talk, and questions spew forth. My muchness will be on display for all to see.
I talk too much about music- Shit. This is a tough one, because the tangents I will go off on will be overwhelming or maybe even boring to you. I'm not sure, and I won't notice until it's too late. My muchness runs amok, and my excitement takes over. I love music, it's how I feel, remember, and love. I'll likely ask you your favorite song, then put it in a Spotify playlist, or at least leave myself a note to look it up later. I want to know what makes you feel. What speaks to your heart. My muchness for music wants to know your muchness.
I divulge too much info and/because I wear my heart on my sleeve- These two really go hand in hand. I am transparent by default. It's difficult for me to tell a lie, and even harder to hide the truth. Even with the passing pleasantries of conversation, those innocent questions get 100% honest answers. I can't lie to you without lying to myself. I also wear my heart on my sleeve because of it. It's a lot to expect anyone to listen or bear witness to.
I've been thinking that me, in my true form,
I talk too much- I CAN talk too much, but when I do, it's usually because I'm interested. I'm completely invested in what we are talking about. I'm invested in you. I want to know more about you. I'll ask questions (see below), and I'll rabbit hole your interests. I get it, it can be too much.
I get excited about people easily- Yes, I do get excited about people. Although I am introverted, I relish being around people. I get awkward, because there's so many wonderful things going on around me. I want to say "Hi" to everyone. But usually I don't. Rooted to the spot, I've let my muchness take over. Fearful that I'll be an annoyance, I'll sit and be awkward with my muchness. I'm working on this. I promise.
I ask too many questions- Maybe it's because I'm awkward, but mostly because I want to know more. Conversations hold piqued interest, and I'll forget my guard. I'll talk, and questions spew forth. My muchness will be on display for all to see.
I talk too much about music- Shit. This is a tough one, because the tangents I will go off on will be overwhelming or maybe even boring to you. I'm not sure, and I won't notice until it's too late. My muchness runs amok, and my excitement takes over. I love music, it's how I feel, remember, and love. I'll likely ask you your favorite song, then put it in a Spotify playlist, or at least leave myself a note to look it up later. I want to know what makes you feel. What speaks to your heart. My muchness for music wants to know your muchness.
I divulge too much info and/because I wear my heart on my sleeve- These two really go hand in hand. I am transparent by default. It's difficult for me to tell a lie, and even harder to hide the truth. Even with the passing pleasantries of conversation, those innocent questions get 100% honest answers. I can't lie to you without lying to myself. I also wear my heart on my sleeve because of it. It's a lot to expect anyone to listen or bear witness to.
Why am I circling back to this? Rejection and vulnerability. Point blank. Putting myself out there is hard, because I know I'll get hurt again. But, what's love without the loss? I sometimes struggle with knowing that I am too much for people, and that is okay. It has to be. Those people who don't know how to accept that, or won't... those aren't my people. That's not what I need right now. I've spent too much personal time spent with someone, in close proximity, who couldn't handle my muchness. Trying to fold me and force me into a box because they couldn't handle me. I am too much; for them.
If I must be vulnerable with my muchness, and my muchness might get me rejected, why not become demure in nature? I'm tired to shrinking. I'm not shrinking or tip toeing through life for those who can't appreciate me as I am.
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